Untitled

I really couldn't come up with a title for this post...perhaps it's because of the sheer number of thoughts and feelings swimming around in my head right now. My daughter graduated high school this past Friday...I knew that was coming....what I didn't expect is how I'd feel right now. It's difficult to even describe to someone...as a single parent for the last 14 yrs, I've had many battles to fight concerning my daughter...you know...those battles against the influences of a world system, individuals who always seem to know better than you what's best for your child, making sure they're getting their homework done, eating right, etc. etc. And now all of a sudden it seems at least the majority of the battles are over....sigh of relief right?...not exactly. I mean I'm thankful that she's reached this milestone in her life...safely and sanely....but for myself, I feel somewhat lost. After 14 yrs. of a 24/7 job...including all the battles that have gone with it, I don't know exactly what I'm supposed to do now...I know that sounds a bit crazy...but that's precisely how I'm feeling at the moment. Everything somehow seems different, and I've become keenly aware of my own "aloneness".....notice I didn't say loneliness.....ALONENESS. Perhaps it's the fact that my daughter is almost grown...or maybe it's just that her growing up has brought into focus some facts about my own life...those things we all tend to want to delay thinking about as long as possible, but inevitably come to bear....and from which we can't escape. Some of those things are common to all of us....some of them are very individual. For me those facts about my life are these: I have ONE child who, in a few short years (hopefully after college) will most likely be married and starting her own family; ONE remaining parent, whose health is deteriorating at what seems like breakneck speed, and I pray is there to see me graduate nursing school; ONE sibling who lives up north, and whose health is not exactly great either; then there's me....still unmarried and unattached after almost 15 yrs of being divorced....few close friends, and not the greatest prospects for anything changing. Pity party?....maybe a little...but mostly stark FEAR. There's something frightening to me about the prospect of growing old and dying alone. As crazy as it sounds I'd still like to have more children...but that long-held hope is slowly dying....time is a cruel taskmaster whose ever-tightening grip and relentless march cannot be assuaged or abated....it is entirely unsympathetic. A few have told me...."now you can do some things for yourself."....but what exactly?....I've never been one who could find much joy in things that have only to do with me...with no one to share those things with, and that stark realization that I will soon be very much ALONE elicits a sense of panic....the reality of the brevity of life...and the relentless march of that cruel taskmaster. Be merciful to me oh Lord, according to your loving-kindness.