My life defined in six words?

A young lady who I've taken as my adoptive "daughter" has challenged me to define my life in six words...quite a task. I'm not sure anyone's life can be rightly defined in six words, or in words at all, but I'll give it my best shot. Since a single word cannot really tell much without some kind of explanation, I'll step a little outside the "rules" and give an explanation of my choices...so here are my six: tragic, lonely, desperate, utilitarian, confusing, hopeful.

tragic--I say tragic partly because of my growing up years, but also because as I approach the age of 53 I'm at a point that I've spent over half the life I've lived to this point walking in darkness, and as a result, I am still living with the consequences of the life I lived before Christ redeemed me.

lonely--As a Christian I know that I'm never really alone, but in my humanity I'm still very lonely. I never thought I would find myself at this point in life in such a situation. I think it's due at least partly to the age in which we live...meaning that in these days most friendships, and indeed most relationships, are shallow and fleeting. I also attribute my loneliness to the fact that I'm unmarried and unattached, and my only child is pretty much grown now, my only surviving parent most likely won't be with me a lot longer, and the rest of my immediate family live in another state. Unfortunately what friends I do have are also scattered over the country.

desperate--I guess this is closely related to "lonely". Every morning when I get up and look in the mirror, I'm reminded of the ticking of the clock and the ongoing decay that began the day I was born. I'm at that point in life where there are many more years to look back on than look forward to...and that creates a sense of panic. Panic because there are yet many things I want to do but I'm running out of time to do. That, and I know that the older I get the harder it is to get those things done and the harder it will be to find a companion. I went back to school a few years ago to pursue a nursing degree, but had to withdraw after the first semester of nursing classes because of financial problems...all due to my own bad decisions...that creates an intense sense of desperation because the future is so uncertain as to whether I'll ever be able to get those finances under control and return to nursing school.

utilitarian--I know this will sound absurd, but for the last 15 years it seems the whole purpose of my life has been to serve as someone else's learning curve. In other words it seems at times that my life simply serves as an example of how NOT to do things...or an example of what happens when you make the choices I've made over my lifetime. Also, as far as relational issues go, it seems that the only interest most have in me is to learn something from me, yet without making any real investment in me as a person...which makes me feel more like an object than a person with any inherent value other than what purpose I can serve for someone else.

confusing--After all I've seen and experienced in this life, both good and bad, you'd think nothing could possibly shock me anymore, but such is not the case. I find myself continually confused by this life and the people in it, as well as my own thoughts and actions. There are times nothing about this life makes any sense at all.

hopeful--At the end of the day I know deep inside that any hope I have is not in anything to do with this life, rather the life to come. If there's hope to be had...and I'm not talking about wishful thinking, which is no hope at all in reality...it's in Christ alone, and the fact that one day this present order of things will pass, he will wipe away all tears, and sin, sorrow, and death will be banished forever as he makes all things new.

Well, for better or worse, there it is. It may sound a bit too dark, but as a nursing instructor of mine always says, "It is what it is".