My life defined in six words?

A young lady who I've taken as my adoptive "daughter" has challenged me to define my life in six words...quite a task. I'm not sure anyone's life can be rightly defined in six words, or in words at all, but I'll give it my best shot. Since a single word cannot really tell much without some kind of explanation, I'll step a little outside the "rules" and give an explanation of my choices...so here are my six: tragic, lonely, desperate, utilitarian, confusing, hopeful.

tragic--I say tragic partly because of my growing up years, but also because as I approach the age of 53 I'm at a point that I've spent over half the life I've lived to this point walking in darkness, and as a result, I am still living with the consequences of the life I lived before Christ redeemed me.

lonely--As a Christian I know that I'm never really alone, but in my humanity I'm still very lonely. I never thought I would find myself at this point in life in such a situation. I think it's due at least partly to the age in which we live...meaning that in these days most friendships, and indeed most relationships, are shallow and fleeting. I also attribute my loneliness to the fact that I'm unmarried and unattached, and my only child is pretty much grown now, my only surviving parent most likely won't be with me a lot longer, and the rest of my immediate family live in another state. Unfortunately what friends I do have are also scattered over the country.

desperate--I guess this is closely related to "lonely". Every morning when I get up and look in the mirror, I'm reminded of the ticking of the clock and the ongoing decay that began the day I was born. I'm at that point in life where there are many more years to look back on than look forward to...and that creates a sense of panic. Panic because there are yet many things I want to do but I'm running out of time to do. That, and I know that the older I get the harder it is to get those things done and the harder it will be to find a companion. I went back to school a few years ago to pursue a nursing degree, but had to withdraw after the first semester of nursing classes because of financial problems...all due to my own bad decisions...that creates an intense sense of desperation because the future is so uncertain as to whether I'll ever be able to get those finances under control and return to nursing school.

utilitarian--I know this will sound absurd, but for the last 15 years it seems the whole purpose of my life has been to serve as someone else's learning curve. In other words it seems at times that my life simply serves as an example of how NOT to do things...or an example of what happens when you make the choices I've made over my lifetime. Also, as far as relational issues go, it seems that the only interest most have in me is to learn something from me, yet without making any real investment in me as a person...which makes me feel more like an object than a person with any inherent value other than what purpose I can serve for someone else.

confusing--After all I've seen and experienced in this life, both good and bad, you'd think nothing could possibly shock me anymore, but such is not the case. I find myself continually confused by this life and the people in it, as well as my own thoughts and actions. There are times nothing about this life makes any sense at all.

hopeful--At the end of the day I know deep inside that any hope I have is not in anything to do with this life, rather the life to come. If there's hope to be had...and I'm not talking about wishful thinking, which is no hope at all in reality...it's in Christ alone, and the fact that one day this present order of things will pass, he will wipe away all tears, and sin, sorrow, and death will be banished forever as he makes all things new.

Well, for better or worse, there it is. It may sound a bit too dark, but as a nursing instructor of mine always says, "It is what it is".

Battling with cynicism

Trust is a sometimes difficult thing as you grow older. I think that comes from living long enough to see too much, how the world...and people can be. To me there's nothing worse than being lied to, lied about, manipulated, or used in some way. Other than the negative emotions such things evoke, in time, it destroys the ability to trust...and cynicism begins to set in. It becomes difficult at best to believe what anyone says...trust the motives behind what's said, or believe that anyone has a genuine desire to do good to you. I don't think anyone truly enjoys feeling that way, but unfortunately life's experiences sometimes force it upon you...like it or not. It's a terrible thing to feel that you can't trust another human being...and as a Christian, these experiences force me to try and figure how the admonition to "believe all things" fits in...and of course, forgiveness. When someone lies to you repeatedly, manipulates and uses you for their own selfish purposes, and that, without conscience or repentance, how do you manage to forgive?....or continue to "believe all things"? Well immediately this comes to mind..."with man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible." The ability to forgive does not, and indeed cannot come from within ourselves. Nor can the ability to continue to believe all things in the midst of all the deception we are all capable of. Only God can work that in us. But I guess beyond the ability to forgive, or to continue to believe all things, it's the letting go of all the negative emotions that come with these situations, and the desire to understand the motives, that is the most difficult to achieve. The truth of the matter is we can't understand our own motives for what we do, much less the motives of another...and to continue to try and grasp and understand the motivation behind the lying and manipulation of others puts us on an endless merry-go-round, with no final destination or stopping point in sight...much like the preacher of Ecclesiastes states, it's a "chasing of the wind". Lying and manipulation are extremely hateful things...they are a vicious assault on the person-hood of another...causing an array of hurtful and damaging emotions. I can't think of anything that so de-values another person as that. The only comfort we can take in such situations, is that our Lord can sympathize with us...for He suffered at the hands of wicked people far more than we ever could in this life, or even imagine. People betrayed Him, lied about Him, attempted to manipulate him, wanted Him only for what they could gain from Him, and deserted Him...and few...very few, truly love Him. We deserve all we suffer and a lot more...He did not. So I will take comfort in the balm of Gilead, and find the strength to forgive and continue to believe all things in Him through whom all things are possible

Nursing School

Nursing school has been quite an experience to this point. With all the classes required to get one to this point, that is, even to get into nursing school, that alone cannot prepare you for the experience. Everyone who gets there has to be reasonably intelligent or they wouldn't be there...it's not an easy program of study to get into. However, once you do get there, you become a complete know-nothing all over again. Those who've been accustomed to making A's in their courses are shocked to find that making an A in a nursing course is the exception, not the rule. At this place and time, I think most of us will be happy if we manage to "C" out of the program. This much I've learned.....nursing school consumes a person....every area of your life. There's barely time to breathe most days, and I've jokingly, but half-seriously related to my classmates, that just surviving nursing school without becoming a patient in the process is a feat in and of itself. I've come to the conclusion that attempting to have any kind of personal life is an exercise in futility until this is done. The fatigue and mental stress involved make it impossible to give much attention to emotional/social needs....or at least give the attention required to form and maintain relationships...there simply isn't enough time or energy to deal with all that comes with that. But....that's the choice I made....anything we endeavor to do in this life that is worthwhile requires some sort of sacrifice....for a nursing student, these are the things which are sacrificed. To be a competent nurse, one must give care to people as holistic beings....body, soul, and spirit, yet the irony in that is...the process involved in becoming that competent nurse, requires the student to forget for a time that he/she is also a holistic being. We're not much more than fodder for the instructors to consume, and the fact that nurses eat their young is becoming increasingly clear. Pray for the nursing students over this country and around the world, including this one.

Untitled

I really couldn't come up with a title for this post...perhaps it's because of the sheer number of thoughts and feelings swimming around in my head right now. My daughter graduated high school this past Friday...I knew that was coming....what I didn't expect is how I'd feel right now. It's difficult to even describe to someone...as a single parent for the last 14 yrs, I've had many battles to fight concerning my daughter...you know...those battles against the influences of a world system, individuals who always seem to know better than you what's best for your child, making sure they're getting their homework done, eating right, etc. etc. And now all of a sudden it seems at least the majority of the battles are over....sigh of relief right?...not exactly. I mean I'm thankful that she's reached this milestone in her life...safely and sanely....but for myself, I feel somewhat lost. After 14 yrs. of a 24/7 job...including all the battles that have gone with it, I don't know exactly what I'm supposed to do now...I know that sounds a bit crazy...but that's precisely how I'm feeling at the moment. Everything somehow seems different, and I've become keenly aware of my own "aloneness".....notice I didn't say loneliness.....ALONENESS. Perhaps it's the fact that my daughter is almost grown...or maybe it's just that her growing up has brought into focus some facts about my own life...those things we all tend to want to delay thinking about as long as possible, but inevitably come to bear....and from which we can't escape. Some of those things are common to all of us....some of them are very individual. For me those facts about my life are these: I have ONE child who, in a few short years (hopefully after college) will most likely be married and starting her own family; ONE remaining parent, whose health is deteriorating at what seems like breakneck speed, and I pray is there to see me graduate nursing school; ONE sibling who lives up north, and whose health is not exactly great either; then there's me....still unmarried and unattached after almost 15 yrs of being divorced....few close friends, and not the greatest prospects for anything changing. Pity party?....maybe a little...but mostly stark FEAR. There's something frightening to me about the prospect of growing old and dying alone. As crazy as it sounds I'd still like to have more children...but that long-held hope is slowly dying....time is a cruel taskmaster whose ever-tightening grip and relentless march cannot be assuaged or abated....it is entirely unsympathetic. A few have told me...."now you can do some things for yourself."....but what exactly?....I've never been one who could find much joy in things that have only to do with me...with no one to share those things with, and that stark realization that I will soon be very much ALONE elicits a sense of panic....the reality of the brevity of life...and the relentless march of that cruel taskmaster. Be merciful to me oh Lord, according to your loving-kindness.

It finally happened

After two years of classes and three attempts, I finally got the call I've been waiting for....I was accepted into nursing school. After two failed attempts, I had almost given up hope, but decided to give it one more try. I've learned some things in this process....not just science or all the attending studies necessary for pursuing a nursing degree, but things like patience and perseverance...and of course, timing. In God's economy, timing is paramount. We can't understand all the reasons for that...He has his purposes, and certainly doesn't invite us into His eternal councils to fill us in on all His reasons....but we can know that He does all things for His purposes, pleasure and glory....and ultimately our good. A few have suggested that this blessing is a result of my obedience....but I have to disagree....I could never be obedient enough to deserve a single blessing in this life...or the next. God doesn't bless anyone because of any personal goodness of their own....."all our righteousness is as filthy rags." He blesses because He is merciful....because it pleases Him to bless....because ultimately it will serve His purposes....because it is part of His nature and essence...and because He...and He alone is good. I believe He often blesses in spite of all our failings...I would certainly fall into that category, for I fail Him miserably every day. So today I give thanks and glory to Him for His unfathomable grace, mercy, and loving kindness....and all the many blessings He has been pleased to bestow on me....in spite of myself.

Life is brief

I've met many people over the internet..some I've been able to meet face to face...others I've known only online. There's a realness, and at the same time, a kind of un-realness to that. Real in the sense that you know there's a real person on the other end of the conversation...sitting before a computer screen and keyboard, typing out words which have meaning, yet without the pitch, tone, and inflection of voice or facial expressions to go with it. That's the un-real part of it I guess. You can get to know a person fairly well over the internet, but at the same time, not know them in the fullest sense. But I've found it amazing that I've actually gotten close to a few people in the realm of cyberspace. A few months ago I met a young man posting on another blog...he was living in my home town at the time, but was from Louisianna originally. He was an amusing fellow in the way he would type out his comments in his native cajun dialect, but we had a shared theological stance, so we hit it off immediately. Not long after our paths first crossed, he moved back to his home state, then showed up again on the blog where I first ran across him, then on my own discussion forum, where we began an email correspondence. We knew each other by screennames at first, then shared our real names. Jake began sharing some things with me about his life..turns out he was a preacher at one time in a small Primitive Baptist church where he lived..he had been married but his wife had died, and he had no children. After a few weeks Jake shared with me that he had been suffering severe migraines for some time and was going to the doctor to have it checked out. It was discovered that he had contracted west nile virus, but there was a more serious problem as well...he had blood clots on his brain...there were many tests and medications..during that time Jake shared some of his writings, one of which was a sermon outline. In an email one day, I asked Jake to give my email address to someone he trusted, just in case something were to happen..which he had already thought of. He was extremely ill for a couple of weeks, then he seemed to be improving. Eight days ago I got an email from him...he had had several good days in a row and was thankful, energized, and looking forward to preaching again this past Sunday for the first time in a while. On Saturday afternoon I logged into my email account to write back to him, and there was an email in my inbox from his address...but it wasn't from Jake. As I read the words of his pastor's wife, I sank in my chair...Jake had had a massive stroke on Friday evening, was unconscious, and on a breathing machine..she promised she would keep me abreast of his condition...on Sunday afternoon another email arrived...at 5:30am that morning, Jake--Shadrack Jackson Daigrepont, age 35, graduated to glory. I had only known Jake through the technology of the internet..but as I read the words I had hoped to never hear...I wept..as if I'd known him all my life.

There are times I'm not sure how healthy it is to know someone in this way. I had never met Jake face to face, but the pain I feel at his passing is undeniable. That's the realness of it...yet it feels strange to grieve for someone you never actually met...only in words typed on a page...that's the un-realness of it...life in this age is certainly different...but as it's always been...very brief.

Jake had left me a message in the letter he had given to his pastor's wife...I'll share a portion of it...."Don't go worryin' 'bout me, cause I got nothin' to be worrin' about; and dont you ever go forgettin, it's all of grace".
I'm not worried Jake...I know you're better off than I am at this moment...and I won't forget, my friend.

Come quickly, Lord Jesus

I've been a Christian a little over 14 years now. In that time I've known very little peace in church life. That fact has forced me to think hard on some things. I can't help but wonder what's wrong in our churches...or is it me?..well it's a cinch that for any of us, there's always work to be done in us, but I still struggle to understand why it is that our churches always seem to have so much turmoil and strife. In my experience, it seems to flare up on an average of every 3 years or so. The reasons for the strife vary...but regardless of what the reasons are it always seems to have the same result..offenses taken, offenses given...angry words, bitterness, cynicism, then scattering.
Grant it, not all conflict is without just cause...sometimes it springs from a need for purification...but for me it's become quite depressing...just judging from my own experiences, strife seems to be the norm. I keep thinking there's got to be something better, or at least not as bad, but I can find no answers. I keep trying to push forward, but for this weary sojourner, the pounding footsteps and cold, stale breath of cynicism threatens to overtake me....come quickly, Lord Jesus.